


Fuck Cops (Then Marry One)

by upset_and_confused



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Police, Anal Sex, Bottom Kakashi, Laking a Car, M/M, Police Officer Kakashi Hatake, Team Seven but Brooklyn 99 Style, This Was Supposed to be a One Night Stand, top iruka
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-05-24 07:41:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14950469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/upset_and_confused/pseuds/upset_and_confused
Summary: Iruka is sitting a spell in police custody for spray painting 'fuck the police' on a mail box. Kakashi is sitting a spell in police custody for driving his car into a lake. It's basically a match made in dumb ass heaven.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally supposed to be a fic about kakashi driving his car into a lake and then it became this... Expect more on this because I am kind of married to it. Also this is, like, time two writing smut and fellas it is hard. Follow me at [MagicalWeirdism](http://magicalweirdism.tumblr.com) on tumblr for all the Naruto opinions! Also, maybe toss a coffee my way, that would be really cool.

“Kakashi.” Tenzo breathed, his hands tightening on his seatbelt in the back. “Don’t you fucking dare.” **  
**

“He said I couldn’t do it.” Kakashi replied as if it were a really simple explanation, he shifted the car into gear. “So.”

Next to him Gai was grinning like a mad man, one hand on the door, one on the roof.

In front of them the lake was taunting them, begging them to plunge headlong into it.

“Everybody buckled?” Kakashi asked and before Tenzo could object again he gunned it and they sped straight into the water, heralded by three different sounding screams.

*

“Why did you do it?” The extremely exasperated officer asked again.

Kakashi was currently sitting in a chair, sobbing wet from diving out of the car when it had smashed into the lake, Tenzo and Gai were in other room, presumably being asked the same thing. Kakashi didn’t see any reason to lie so he shrugged, “Gai said I couldn’t get it fifty feet.”

“You didn’t get it fifty feet!” Screeched the officer, Kakashi shrugged again but was fighting a smile as the door opened and another officer poked his head in.

“Uh, he’s here again.” Kakashi looked over his shoulder and spied a brown haired man sitting in a chair in the waiting room looking so annoyed he could only be faking it.

The officer behind the desk rolled his eyes and shook his head, “Non violent again?”

“Graffiti.” Said the man at the door, he grinned just a little bit “‘Fuck Cops’ to be specific.”

Kakashi snorted a little laugh and the officer behind the desk let out a groan.

“Well… I guess hold onto him for a little bit.” He muttered, rubbing his forehead, “It’s his third misdemeanor in a week, we can’t really do anything to him but I don’t want to just let him go…”

“Want me to talk to him?” Kakashi offered.

“No, god no,” He pointed at Kakashi and gave the other officer a stern look, “Keep these two apart I don't want to even think about how much work will be involved in them meeting each other…”  

Kakashi grinned again and stood, dripping excess water all over the floor as the officer at the door directed him toward the chairs against the wall. With a moment of hesitation he chuckled and sat Kakashi next to the guy who had been brought in for graffiti. “Play nice.” He muttered, shooting Kakashi a wink as he headed back to his desk.

Kakashi bit back a grin, schooling his face into neutrality, and sat next to the man. Upon closer inspection he was even more handsome than Kakashi had first thought. He had warm tanned skin and a scar stretched over the bridge of his nose. His leg bounced as he sat and a few strands of hair were falling out of his pony tail and tickling his neck. He glanced at Kakashi out of the corner of his eyes and then did a double take. According to Gai Kakashi was ‘startlingly handsome’ at the best of times and ‘downright stunning’ at the worst. He assumed slopping wet was a ‘worst’ of times and hoped he looked downright stunning. Christ knows the other man looked criminally adorable.

“What are you in for?” He asked, his lips tugging up in a grin.

The man grinned right back, “destruction of public property, or so I’m told, are you in for jumping in a fountain or something?”

Kakashi shook his head, “I laked a car.”

The man barked a laugh and Kakashi grinned even wider, he sounded so happy and surprised that Kakashi tried to think of a way to get him to laugh again.

“Laked?” He asked, leaning a little closer to him.

Kakashi suddenly wished very much that he had not swam around in a notoriously dirty lake before meeting this man but he matched his lean, placing them both comfortably in each other's spaces. “Drove my car into a lake.”

“Why?” The man asked thought another fit of giggles, Kakashi really really liked how he sounded when he was giggling.

“My friend bet me ten dollars I couldn’t make it fifty feet in.”

“Did you?”

“Ah, no, only about twenty.”

The man roared with laughter again and Kakashi was laughing as well now. Around them he could feel eyes looks being directed their way and honestly he couldn’t care less as he watched the man laugh with his head thrown back and his eyes closed.

“Iruka Umino?” An annoyed voice snapped. The two of them looked to the officer standing in front of them with a frustrated red face. “You’re free to go, I don’t want to see you in here again.”

Iruka. Kakashi thought, watching the man give the officer a smile that old only be described as angelic. A cute name for a cute guy.

“Hey.” Iruka was looking at him now and Kakashi tipped his head to the side, feeling water slosh in his ear, “Can I give you a ride home?”

Kakashi blinked and then grinned, “Really?”

“Well.” Iruka gave him a much less angelic smile now, “I mean, you did lake your car after all.”

Kakashi looked at the police officer for permission to leave and was met with a look that very much said ‘what the fuck ever’. The silver haired man looked back at Iruka with a half smile.

“Lead the way, Mr. Umino”

*

Kakashi was glad he didn’t even have to ask Iruka to come in. Granted, with so much of Iruka’s tongue in his mouth the moment the car stopped he didn’t know if he could have asked anyway. They stumbled in together, Kakashi having to break away to get the key to unlock the door and flushing a dark red as Iruka wrapped around his waist. Licking, biting, and sucking loudly on his neck as he scrambled to get the fucking door open. There was finally a click and a yelp as they both crashed to the floor. Iruka had decided to dry hump Kakashi the second the door had opened and the two fell into the hall laughing and gasping.

“Careful there, wouldn’t want to rough me up too much.” Kakashi teased, Iruka rolled his eyes then let out a happy gasp as beneath him Kakashi reached to shove his hands down his pants, gripping his ass and squeezing his plump cheeks.

“Oh, ah, bedroom.” Iruka moaned lewdly as Kakashi sucked a wet kiss to his neck. He was still wet and the clothes were getting tacky against this skin, he did want to undress but he was having way too much fun making out on the floor like an idiot to really want to move at this point.

A yap from above his head might be enough to change that.

“Pakkun, no.” He groaned as the dog growled at Iruka and barked again, above him Iruka reached out a hand for the dog who snapped at it angrily. “He thinks you’re hurting me.” Kakashi explained. “No buddy, come on.” He tired again, rolling out from under Iruka and scooping the pug up. “Daddy isn’t getting hurt.”

“Unless he wants to be!”

Kakashi blushed at the words and because the voice sounded suspiciously close to his bedroom. He set Pakkun on the floor of the kitchen and grabbed a treat for him before leaning down to pet his head. “Be good.” He told the happily munching pug. He turned around and took a deep breath before playing a hunch and making his way down the hall.

Iruka was indeed already laying in bed, his tan skin stark and lovely against the black sheets. And holy hell there was a lot of skin all of a sudden. Iruka was grinning, crawling across the sheets until he was up on his knees at the foot of the bed, his cock hanging heavy between his thighs. Kakashi’s mouth was watering at the sight.

“You should get out of those wet clothes,” Iruka said, his voice warm and husky, “So I can warm you up.”

“You should take your hair down.” Kakashi whispered, already tugging his shirt over his head. Iruka was combing his fingers through his hair to lessen the puff of a loosened ponytail when Kakashi was able to see again. “Wow.” He managed, stopping for a moment and just looking at the beautiful man on his bed who was about to fuck him into the mattress. “Wow.” He repeated, shucking his pants and falling onto Iruka.

“How do you want me?” Kakashi asked, tangling their fingers together and moving down Iruka’s neck to nibble at his collar bone. His free hand found the man’s nipple and began to pluck at it lightly.

“Oh…” Iruka sighed softly, rolling his hips up to meet Kakashi’s, hissing at the skin on skin contact when their dicks slid against each other. “Mmh, am I in any position to ask for you on your hands and knees?”

Kakashi looked up from his chest, grinning widely as he leaned in to bit his nipple before rolling off the man under him and crawling up the bed. He heart an intake of breath behind him as he arched his back, resting his chin on his forearm and looking over his shoulder. Iruka was drooling.

“Uh.” Iruka said before blinking and looking around, “Lube and, lube and condoms and stuff?”

“Nightstand.” Kakashi answered, rolling his hips to show he was impatient, there was a scrambling sound behind him, a click of a cap being opened, a hiss, and then warm fingers rubbing his hole. “You- ah- you warmed it up?” he moaned as a finger circled his hole and rolled his hips into it, welcoming the intrusion with a low moan. “‘Ru-u-ka…” He groaned, one finger pumping in and out erratically. “Come on, more, I want you fucking in me.”

“That’s the plan, calm down, calm down.” Over Kakashi’s shoulder he could hear Iruka’s voice dripping with lust as he worked. One finger became two and he let out a gasp.

“Good.” He muttered, his hips working to fuck himself further on the fingers in his ass. He hadn’t been fucked in a while but that didn’t mean he was entirely out of practice. He was glad Iruka didn’t have more curious fingers when he went into that drawer because Kakashi had not had time to move any of his sex toys. The silver haired man felt a nudge. Oh, oh. He hissed as a third finger pressed into him, his face falling to the sheets as he arched his back and pushed into it.

“Fuck.” He heard Iruka whimper, and then he was pumping the fingers in and out roughly. Kakashi swore and panted as Iruka worked, pushing his hips back to meet him and whimpering every time his cock hit his stomach and the sensation raced through his body.

“Ah, ah, in me, come on, in me or I am going to--- Ah!” Kakashi threw his head back as the fingers were jerked from him and quickly replaced by a cock ramming into him. “Fuuu~” He moaned, a shiver going through his body as fingers sunk into his hair and wrapped around the grey spikes. Another hand found his cock and all of a sudden he was being jerked from the front and fucked from the back.

“Yeah.” Iruka hiccuped behind him as he snapped his hips into him. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, you look fucking good like this.”

Kakashi whimpered, his neck straining in a delicious way as Iruka worked him and his hips trying to keep up a stuttering rhythm between the sensations but in the end he just screamed into the room as his orgasm crashed over him and he collapsed onto the bed. Behind him he felt Iruka lock up and a warmth surge in him as Iruka came and nearly fell off the bed in the after shock of it. Kakashi snorted tiredly and blinked an eye open to watch Iruka pull out, stagger off the bed and go to throw away the condom.

He supposed he should change the sheets. Kakashi listened to the sounds of water running as he stipped the bed and remade it, collapsing back onto the clean cotton and falling into a haze, broken only by the feeling of Iruka slipping into the covers behind him and tucking into the back of his neck.

*

“10-4 I’ll be waiting outside for you… That is not a question for the radios, we’ll speak when I see you.”

Iruka blinked his eyes open and frowned at the sight before him. Kakashi was buttoning into a uniform. A very obviously police uniform.

“After last night I thought I would be the officer here.” Iruka teased tiredly, reaching a hand for him and burying his face in the pillows, inhaling the warm musky smell of Kakashi Hatake. “Come back to bed we can play police in a few hours.”

There was a laugh above him and he was being moved just enough for Kakashi to press a kiss to his mouth, he already tasted like mint “Sorry handsome, duty calls.”

Iruka opened his eyes again, frowning deeply as Kakashi grabbed a hat from the back of a chair and check his hair in a mirror by the door. It looked only slightly less wild than it had when they fell asleep.

“What..?” The silver haired man grabbed a belt heavy with what looked like everything from handcuffs to a nightstick and buckled it around his trim waist. He turned to Iruka for inspection.

“How do I look?”

Oh.

Oh no.

“You’re a cop!?” Iruka demanded, his face flushing all the way down his neck.

Kakashi smiled a little sheepishly and reached to rub the back of his neck, “I-ah-yeah. Yeah I am.”

“Then why…?” Iruka asked weakly, trying not to look too blown over by just how handsome Kakashi looked in his full uniform.

“Why was I getting yelled at? Just because I’m a cop doesn’t mean I don’t hear it from my captain all the damn time.” Kakashi gave him a grin in hopes of diffusing the situation but Iruka looked nearly murderous.

“So what!?” He snapped, “What? You saw me there and fucked me because you wanted me to confess to a crime or something?”

“What?” Kakashi asked looking gobsmacked, “No, no, not at all.” He moved closer to the bed, sitting on the foot and reaching out to rest his hand on Iruka’s foot, getting a kick to the palm in return, “I saw a really good looking guy and wanted him to come home with me.” Kakashi said honestly, tipping his head to the side slightly, “And if I remember right I wasn’t the one who did any of the fucking last night.”

Iruka looked at him with the hint of a blush and fighting back the urge to dissolve under that look and those words. It was hard to look at that face and not believe that Kakashi was telling the truth and to be honest Iruka believed him it was just… There was a sudden burble of static on the radio at Kakashi’s hip.

“132 in progress, Hatake requesting back up.”

“Shit.” Kakashi breathed, jumping to his feet, “I’m sorry, I’m not trying to get out of this, I promise but,” He gestured jerkily at his radio as he tugged his boots on.

“What did that mean?” Iruka watched him struggle to get his laces tied as he rushed, “The code.”

“Armed robbery, that was my partner who is outside waiting for me.” He gave that half grin again and stood up, “I kind of overslept on him.”

Iruka flushed and watched ad Kakashi tucked his hat under his arm and took one last look in the mirror. He looked back, his face soft and anxious, “I… Will you be around to yell at me when I get off work?”

Iruka looked at him. He really shouldn’t stay. Kakashi hadn’t really done anything wrong but the whole thing still felt a little… misleading. Iruka stood up, letting the blankets slide from his still naked body and wrapped around the man in his full uniform, pressing a kiss to his lips. Kakashi stood still for just a moment before resting his hands on the man’s hips and holding him close. They stayed like that until a siren blared for a moment outside and Kakashi broke away from him to look over his shoulder at the door. “I gotta…”

Iruka rested his thumb and forefinger on Kakashi’s chin, tipping his head down so they held eye contact. He grinned at he looked into that red eye. “Don’t get shot, I need to yell at you this evening.”

Kakashi grinned widely, walking backward as he did so and nearly falling over himself when he hit the door frame. Iruka laughed at him and Kakashi grinned even as he turned and scrambled out the door. Iruka stood grinning for a moment longer before sinking down into the sheets. His one night stand might get shot in just a few minutes. Why was that so terrifying? Iruka knew why. It was because Kakashi was running into an armed robbery and Iruka was already realizing that he was attached to him. The dumb cop who laked a car. Oh god he was an idiot.

“Fuck.” Iruka sighed, falling back into the blankets. He wondered if he could just wait here until he got back. He did owe him a dressing down. And a scolding. And he still needed to yell at him about not mentioning that he was a cop. Maybe he would just wait on him and never see him again after today. Yeah, he could do that.


	2. Seven Years Later

“Are you sure about that tie?"

Kakashi whirled around and looked at Iruka with terror in his eyes “Well I was!” 

Iruka laughed and stood, tugging the tie from around his neck, “Blue looks better on you.” He said, reaching into the closet to get the cornflower blue tie. Iruka felt his husband’s eyes on him as he knotted the tie around his neck and pulled it snug before smoothing it down his chest. 

“What are your detective’s names?” Iruka asked. 

“Naruto, Sakura, Sasuke, and Sai.” Kakashi counted them off on his fingers, he might play off a pretty cool and aloof attitude but he had been nervous about this for weeks and had basically memorized their profiles. “Naruto is a goofball but he’s smart if you let him be, Sasuke is a prodigy and is a dick, Sakura is a genius but has a short temper, Sai is brilliant and socially inept.” 

Iruka smiled and wrapped his arms around Kakashi’s neck pulling him in for a kiss. Seven years ago when he had taken home the dumbass who drove his car into a lake he had never thought for even a moment he would end up married to a police officer. Kakashi pulled back with a deep breath, his hair had been tamed somewhat and Iruka considered it for a moment before running his hands through it in an effort to get it back to the gravity defying style he had accidentally fallen in love with. Kakashi closed his eyes and leaned into the feeling of fingers in his hair. He had worked hard to get his hair under control but he liked this a lot better. 

“You’re going to do great.” Iruka told him softly wrapping an arm around his waist when he finished fixing his hair. 

“Maybe I should just stay home…” Kakashi mused, leaning against him and smiling when Iruka laughed into his chest. 

“Teaching doesn’t make enough and I’m used to a certain lifestyle, Captain Hatake.” Iruka pulled back from him and caught his chin between his thumb and forefinger, tugging his chin so were locking eyes. “Go knock ‘em out.” 

Kakashi snapped a salute and then leaned in for another kiss before muttering he loved him and heading for the door. 

Iruka sighed watching him go, turning to Pakkun after he heard the door to the ouse close. “Can you believe I married that guy?” Pakkun let out a huff and rolled over. “I know.” Iruka said, rubbing his belly, “I think it was an amazing choice too.”    
  


“Ugh!” Naruto collapsed in his chair, hanging his head back and spreading his legs as far as they would go. “I can’t believe he is making us wait! Some new Captain he is! Can’t even be bothered to show up on time!” 

“Naruto.” Sakura groaned, smoothing down her shirt, “Come on, act professional.” 

“No, Naruto is right.” Sasuke said, rubbing polish on his knife blade, “This guy is acting really unprofessional and it doesn’t make him look good.” 

“Hey!” Naruto chirped, “Hey, if he’s not here in fifteen minutes we can leave, right?” 

“That only applies to teachers, Naruto.” Sai had gotten tired of waiting and was now engrossed in a book. “But it is annoying that our new captain would show such a lack of professionalism.” 

“Why are you all being such dicks?” Sakura demanded, “Our new captain is supposed to be a legend and who cares if he’s late and lazy! We’re gonna treat him like the captain he and and be better detectives for it so why don’t you assholes show a little respect, get your heads out of your asses, and pretend to have even an ounce of intelligence!” Sakura took a breath and glared at the boys, satisfied that they looked shocked and were utterly silent. She gave a smug smile and crossed her arms over her chest, a job well done she thought. 

“And after that warm introduction.” 

The voice behind her ear startled her so bad Sakura nearly fall into her desk. She spun on her heel and staggered back when she realized she was face to face with Captain Kakashi Hatake. 

He looked her over and nodded at her, “Sakura Haruno?” 

She snapped a salute, “Sir!” 

“I don’t like brown nosers.” He said dryly, stepping around her and Naruto held in silent laughter as he watched her visibly deflate. 

“I don’t like laziness either, Uzumaki.” 

“Hey! You’re the lazy one!” Naruto jumped up from his chair and stomped after the new captain, “Showing up late and then making fun of Sakura like that.” 

“Oh,” Kakashi looked down at his watch, “Am I late? My apologies, I seem to have gotten lost on the path of life, please excuse me.” 

Sasuke rolled his eyes and Sai tilted his head to the side. 

“That is a very transparent excuse.” Sai informed him, “Perhaps you should have used a better one, perhaps that you had lost your way, you are new to this office, maybe you could say you got lost, at least tell us something that sounds halfway believable.” 

Sasuke snorted a laugh and Kakashi looked between the two of them before heading for his office. The door closed behind him. 

“Well,” Naruto announced, picking a rubix cube off his desk and spinning it absently “I don’t like him.” 


End file.
